written by: Wen Xi Piombino
No is my favorite word. This was the first thing I heard when I opened a TikTok a colleague shared with me. This colleague and I often joke about boundary setting and how challenging it can be when you have a job that also requires you to live where you work. In all seriousness, “no” has slowly become a common word in my vocabulary for how I approach both my professional and personal life. The TikTok (Arzón, 2022) was focused on using “no” to enforce your boundaries and how the power of no can be used to protect the things that you say yes to. “No” really has become my favorite word.
My Experience
I am five years into my professional career after graduate school and one of the most powerful lessons I learned (a bit too late) was how to cultivate and protect my boundaries. Boundaries are a priority to me because I have seen what my life looks like and how I feel both with and without my boundaries. When I did not have or prioritize my boundaries, my life felt overwhelming — a never ending list of things that I felt compelled to say yes to. It felt like I was always on the go and moving. I was often tired and lethargic, no matter how much I slept. My days and time did not feel like they belonged to me but instead to those around me. I did not feel in control.
In comparison, my life with boundaries is more focused. I have more time to do what I want. It does not mean I am never tired or overwhelmed with life and its many challenges, but my boundaries help me manage everything in a much healthier and more productive way. With boundaries, I feel that my life is truly my own and belongs to no one else. The most notable change I have seen in my life after setting healthy and clear boundaries is the impact on others around me. That is to say, others respect my boundaries and time. They value and accept when I tell them no.
So what is a boundary exactly? The formal definition is: a boundary is an invisible line that defines what behaviors are acceptable for an individual (University of Illinois Chicago, 2022). Boundaries are highly sacred non-negotiables for how we want and need to be treated in order to be our true authentic selves. They are important in helping us feel safe and secure. Boundaries help communicate to others what is and is not okay. I often think of it like this: you may not know what boundaries you have or how to define your boundaries but you know when they are violated. You get this yucky feeling that makes you cringe and feel uncomfortable when someone crosses your invisible boundary.
It is no secret that a lack of boundaries (whether they are not developed yet or because others do not respect our boundaries) can lead to burnout. Burnout is a common term used in our field. But how many of us really know what it means? I never knew what it actually meant until recently. But that did not mean I did not feel it. I think a lot of us have felt the effects of burnout without knowing it was called burnout. The formal definition of burnout is physical, emotional, or mental exhaustion. Symptoms include decreased motivation, lowered performance and negative attitude. It is often manifested in fatigue, apathy, headaches or changes in diet or sleep (Cleveland Clinic, 2022). As you can see, although burnout may be difficult to define or conceptualize, we oftentimes can recognize it when we feel something is not right within ourselves.
Setting Boundaries from the Beginning
An impactful lesson I learned came from my lack of setting boundaries during my first few years in the profession. I said yes to almost everything and very rarely did the word “no” come out of my mouth. I will preface and say that I am by nature someone who loves work. Not work as in my profession (although I do love my job), but I mean work as in being productive and always on the go. So it seemed fitting that my immigrant work ethic (something that was instilled in me from birth as the default parent to my two brothers and own parents) led to me having no boundaries.
It seemed like a perfect pairing: love of work and lack of boundaries. These two concepts made me the person I am and still impacts me to this day. There were definitely positives that stemmed from this powerful pairing. I was well known on campus, I also became known as someone who was reliable and a hard worker, and I personally felt more fulfilled in my career.
I realize now as I write this, that at that time in my life, I was someone who defined myself via my job. My career was a major part of my identity. However, the negatives started to weigh heavy on my happiness as I progressed in my career. As I gained more experience, I started to realize that I should be more than just my work. Working until 1:00 a.m. in my office no longer felt satisfying or rewarding to me. Attending a multitude of campus programs started to feel less fulfilling and became more like a chore. I used to drop everything and pick up my phone when my students called or texted me. I took on extra projects that used to energize me but now drained me. I realized as I got older and found my footing in my career and personal life, my lack of boundaries went from being something I did not notice to something that started to make me feel unhappy.
Boundaries in Action
Fast forward to now, I have strong solid boundaries and I make efforts to communicate my boundaries to those around me through not just words but also my actions and how I live my life. Most of my colleagues can remember me saying is something along the lines of “I am not a social person by nature but I will almost always be willing to hang out or grab lunch if you reach out to me”. For me, it was important that I set this boundary up early on in our working relationship as I did not want my colleagues to think I did not want to socialize with them or that I was stand-offish. This was incredibly important since we all lived on campus and I wanted to be clear with our expectations with our relationship outside of work. Saying this to them allowed me to feel comfortable with whatever relationship they wanted to have with me and they knew that while I would likely not reach out to them often, if they wanted to spend time with me, I would be there.
Since these conversations, I have had peers tell me how much they admire my boundaries and because they know my boundaries and my expectations, they always knew what to expect with me. In evaluations, my supervisor would share that a common theme of feedback from my peers is how they admire the boundaries I set for myself and others around me. Sharing my boundaries with those around me not only benefited me because they respect my boundaries but also helped those around me see value in boundary setting for themselves as well.
I have worked with peers who did not respect my boundaries but many of my colleagues do respect my boundaries. I will speak of two in particular. They were close colleagues of mine who became friends and we still catch up even though it has been a few years since we have worked together. While we were working together, they never made me feel bad if I turned down invitations to hang out and would often say to me “you’re probably going to say no, but we wanted to invite you and include you anyway!” Those invitations never had the underlying intent to guilt me into saying yes. The invites were always well intentioned and respectful. While writing this article, I actually had a Zoom catch up with these two friends and I shared with them how much it meant to me how they respect my boundaries and how they were the few people in my life who always took “no” for a complete sentence without requiring me to give a reason why I was declining the invitation. They never made me feel bad for saying no.
Something I also recognize in setting up boundaries is how your mental health is impacted by and impacts your boundaries. I learned that my anxiety really led to my lack of boundary setting early on in my career. My anxiety caused me to work later than I should have in order to clear my inbox to 0 or to answer my students anytime they called. If it was not done immediately, it would be on my mind all night. I learned that if everything was a priority in my life, then in the end nothing could be a priority. I started to talk myself back down when I found myself working later hours and had to remind myself that not everything I do has to be immediate. The phrase “You’re not that important” became a constant reminder to myself (and others around me). It sounds a bit harsh, but it is a reminder that not everything (honestly not most things) we do will result in the world ending if we don’t respond immediately. Some things can wait. I say this to myself and my peers when we find ourselves overwhelmed with work. This is not an excuse to not get work done, but more of a reminder to not let my anxiety push me to work beyond my limits.
Considerations for Setting Boundaries
How do you start the journey to defining and setting boundaries and hopefully avoiding or mitigating burnout? There is not a perfect way to start but I will share some strategies I have learned along the way that may be helpful to those looking for some guidance on the topic.
- Find joy in your work. We may not always love our jobs but it is important to see the good in our work – whether it is completing a difficult project or supporting a student through a tough situation. Finding joy will help you refocus when you find yourself losing interest or feeling too negative about your work.
- Set boundaries and be clear about them. Those who know and respect you will treat your boundaries with respect. Take time to think about your boundaries. It helps to think of times you felt respected and times your boundaries were violated. Then clearly communicate when boundaries are violated. It is not fair to you or others if you allow your boundaries to be ignored.
- Adjust boundaries as needed. Sometimes, we do not realize we have a boundary until it is violated. That is okay. We are changing and growing all the time and should expect our boundaries to grow with us. Often, we may need to adjust boundaries based on social situations or individual people.
- Find support systems. It is important to find support in and outside of work. Commiserating with colleagues about work can relieve stress by sharing a common experience and feeling validated but it can also add stress if you find yourself in a negative cycle of complaining. Finding a support system that is outside of your work such as a partner or close friends and family can provide perspective when you need additional support.
- Find a hobby. Love your job but do not make it your life. This is something I struggle with constantly. I still do not have a hobby I truly love and I have searched high and low for one because I know it is important to find something that motivates me and fulfills me outside of work. If you have suggestions, please share!
- Role model boundary setting. Being vulnerable with those around you by sharing your journey can help others recognize what their boundaries are and how to stay true to them. Continue the conversation in and outside of work to encourage others to prioritize their boundaries and themselves.
Conclusion
I want to leave you with the following prompt: Why should you be anything less than you? I remind myself of this when I find myself at odds with a boundary someone has intentionally or unintentionally crossed. I set up boundaries to protect my peace and it is not fair to me that I allow someone to violate them. Just as importantly, it is not fair to others if I do not address something they may not have known they did to violate my boundaries. The work we do in student affairs is tiring and long but it is also rewarding and impactful. In order to continue doing good work, we must prioritize ourselves and our boundaries. Your work matters, yes. But you matter too and so do your boundaries.
References
Arzón, R. (2022). Turn Doubt into determination & plateaus into launch pads: Robin Arzón. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqmB1jY3n0U&t=1120s
Cleveland Clinic, (2022, February 1). What is burnout? Here’s how to deal with feeling physically and emotionally tired. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-burnout/
University of Illinois Chicago, (2022, February 25). Boundaries: What are they and how to create them. https://wellnesscenter.uic.edu/news-stories/boundaries-what-are-they-and-how-to-create-them/
About the Author
Wen Xi Piombino (she/her) is the assistant director of Residential Life at Pace University in Pleasantville, New York. She started her student affairs career as a student and resident assistant at the University of Georgia and graduated in 2016. Then she moved on to her graduate career at Clemson University where she graduated with her master’s in counseling education in 2018. Wen started at Pace University in 2018 as a residence director before transitioning to her current role. Wen works primarily with the residential curriculum, living learning communities, and other campus programming partnerships. Currently, Wen lives on campus with her husband Anthony and their dog, Jax.