Introduction
I am…Mandy Vitale. I am a human, out here trying to figure out what the heck that means, how to make the most of it, and finding joy through connection along the way. I am so grateful that I found a profession so aligned with my life quest. Let’s see…my favorite places are underwater, in the mountains, and in my bed. Even though I was a lifeguard growing up and know how terrifying it is to see someone just chilling on the bottom of the pool, it’s one of the most relaxing places for me. Being underwater, with the muffled sounds, the weightless pressure, makes the world pause for me. I grew up in New Jersey where I fell in love with the beach and then went to undergrad in Virginia where I fell in love with the mountains. It’s something about the way nature lives so unconfined that inspires me. As cliche as it is, I love my bed. I have such nice sheets on my little nest, but I also love the view I created from my bed. I decorate my space with so many trinkets and treasures- I think nesting is a really cute thing that humans do. My journal comes everywhere with me and allows me to see more art in the world around me. I bought a trampoline for my apartment with my first paycheck as a graduate assistant and it has been my favorite form of stress relief. It’s the best thing to do when you wait for your food in the microwave. And the Phineas and Ferb Soundtrack has made it onto my Spotify Wrapped many times- I consider the lyrics absolute comedic gold.
Overview
To follow the “who am I”, I will proceed to provide a “why I am here” with sharing about a conference presentation that I had no intention of doing. This past spring I served on the planning committee for The Women in Leadership Conference which is an annual conference hosted by Clemson University. I was super jazzed about an opportunity so aligned with my passions and saw it as a unique way to connect different areas of the Clemson community. Public speaking has also been a goal of mine in this whole graduate experience thing. As someone who historically has had to rush through every presentation to avoid a panic attack, this goal is framed as “when I have something to say, I want to be able to say it”. So I was feeling pretty calm and collected going into these meetings knowing I didn’t have any burning ideas for a presentation- knowing that meant I would not have to put myself through the sweaty experience of standing in front of a crowd. The planning committee chose the theme “I am…” as the perfect balance of being open ended, empowering, and redefining. But it just didn’t sit right with me. I experienced a lot of internal unrest in these meetings when I realized I was burnt out from affirmations and the pressure that came with them.
I journaled it out, as I do, and handed it to my supervisor- and she said, “this is what the conference needs, you have to present this”. *GULP* So with a month until the conference, our 1 on 1s consisted of anxiety spirals and many mentions of backing out. But I did it.
In subtle contrast with the theme I titled my presentation: I am… strong, hardworking, intelligent, caring undefined. I created a presentation that disregarded any preconceptions I had of a conference presentation and created something that felt authentic to me.
The Presentation: I am… strong, hardworking, intelligent, caring undefined
My presentation consisted of an introduction of me as a human (just as I provided you), warm up conversations about our personal brands, an introduction to journaling, my journal entry that I shared with my supervisor, a whole lot of reflection, and a permission slip activity. And in 50 minutes I conquered my fear and created a community centered around reclaiming our narratives. Through sharing this, I have seen everybody connect to the material differently: a woman’s responsibility to be pretty, the impact of growing up in a faith community, being stuck as the problem-solver, the aimless ambition when you no longer want to climb the ladder, the trap of people pleasing…and so many more. And that fascinated me.
So I write to you all, in my favorite art form, out of curiosity. Curiosity of how this will sit with you and what impact this message could have. Owning this “I am undefined” mindset has completely shifted the trajectory of my graduate experience both personally and professionally. As we go into the new school year, I encourage you to make time for some reflection, recentering, redefining, or even undefining. This piece may be a good place to start…
And so with that I sat down (sitting down while presenting really helps calm the nervous system) and read my journal. Just like we were in a living room or a coffee house- I shared my truth.
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The Journal Entry
I am… strong, hardworking, intelligent, caring undefined
~EXHALE~
What a concept…undefined
I have had this feeling for quite a while now. I flip through my journal and see different versions of the same story that I have not been able to name. Feelings of Gratitude. Pride. Anxiety. Pressure. Expectation. Suffocation. Love. Adoration…. A constant tug, but a lack of a war. Not a rebellion but quiet submission.
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Affirmations
I have played the affirmation game for so long. It has served a great purpose in my life.
To the friend that told me I was caring… you made me love giving and making others feel loved.
To the teacher that told me I was a good writer…you are the reason I continued to write, you allowed me to find a creative outlet to connect with others more than I ever could have imagined.
To the coach that told me I was tough… you gave me the efficacy to persevere through way more than just the soccer field.
To the mentor that told me I was a leader… you completely shifted my perception of self, you are the reason I wake up every day to pursue my passion.
To the peers that told me I was a hard worker…you made me look around, see what I have been creating for myself, and gave me the fuel to keep going.
To the supervisor that told me I was intelligent… you made me realize that I don’t just work hard, but my brain can do incredible things all by itself.
To all of these lovely humans, thank you… You started the narrative. I may have gotten here without the affirmations but honestly, I am not sure. I have taken these affirmations. I have believed them. I have claimed them. I have integrated them into my narrative. I made them my personal brand.
Success
~EXHALE~
I am everything I have always wanted to be.
I have climbed the podium and I am standing on the plate that says first place. I made it, I am euphoric. I can look out into the crowd of people I love to see them cheering, faces full of pride. I am soaking it all in.
~INHALE~
And then slowly, while I go to wipe my tears of relief, glass walls inch up around me. Walls so clear that I don’t even notice them. Before I can see them to be able to do anything about it, someone comes behind me and puts the lid on top, seals it up, and I am stuck. I am trapped, my air is running out, the box is getting smaller and smaller, I am suffocating- and yet nobody can see these walls but me. The crowd still sees me standing there on the podium, they are proud as ever, so I do what I do best- ignore the lack of air- and smile and wave
This is everything I ever wanted.
This is everything I ever wanted…but this consent sure wasn’t informed.
You see, somewhere along the way this seemingly positive narrative slipped from being empowering to suffocating.
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Confidence…?
~INHALE~
You know that feeling after a really good interview… You feel so confident about how you were able to communicate your strengths and represent yourself in the space. You connected with everybody in the room, and you are so excited to work with them…. And then you show up on your first day of work and you feel the pressure to be all the things you said you were AT ALL TIMES.
I feel that pressure every day, but instead of it coming from the expectation to be what I said I was in this hypothetical interview, it is the pressure to stick within the confines of the personal brand I have ~perfectly~ curated.
Coming to Clemson as a grad student, I was feeling empowered from having such an impactful first professional experience. With everything my last position gave me, I was feeling so confident and competent to take on a new place. However, I wasn’t prepared for the personal magnifying glass that comes with trying to make first impressions.
~INHALE~
Every room I walked in, my internal monologue was blaring… “show them how *insert affirmation here* you are”. I was in such a rush to define myself in this new space before I lost a say in it before I got stuck playing an inauthentic role. (If you grew up as a people pleasing child, you are probably familiar with these inauthentic roles) But instead I froze.
I was so confused. I have always believed that you cannot be yourself until you get to know yourself… and as someone whose comfort zone centers self-reflection… I know myself pretty well. Where was this disconnect? Somewhere along the way one got in the way of the other. I became too busy getting to know myself and defining myself that I didn’t know how to be myself.
I flip through my journals, and I see recurring themes. Overwhelming pride and gratitude. The craving to be carefree. Feeling like I have to choose one over the other.
I have come to the jarring realization that these affirmations I have incorporated into my personal brand were not confidence… but perfectionism.
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Confidence…? Perfectionism
~INHALE~
I decided I was caring… and I have cared about every person, every game, every project, every exam, every outcome, every detail I have ever come across… and it’s so exhausting
I decided I was a good writer… and I over-analyze every paper I ever hand in wondering if it lives up to the standard…and it kills my creativity
I decided I was tough… and I have powered through life pretending I had a bulletproof vest on…and it’s so isolating
I decided I was a leader…and I hold myself to that with every room I walk into. My character means everything to me… and it’s so limiting
I decided I was a hard worker… and I work myself to exhaustion…and I am spinning
I decided I was intelligent…and I am terrified one day my brain will just stop.
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Leave it to a random Disney Soundtrack to give me the words when I don’t have them.
Isabela from Encanto said… “Stars don’t shine they burn” and I think I am burning and have been for quite a while now.
“But wait, if I could shake the crushing weight of expectations
Would that free some room up for joy
Or relaxation, or simple pleasure?
Instead, we measure this growing pressure
Keeps growing, keep going
‘Cause all we know is
Pressure like a drip drip drip that’ll never stop” -Luisa from Encanto
______
I am… Mandy Vitale…and that is a complete sentence.
~EXHALE~
From the moment we develop language I feel like we are trying to define ourselves. Humans love labels and categorizing. It helps us understand ourselves, find community, and make sense of the world.
But I think we are missing a very important piece of that. Human beings are not meant to be defined. The English language and quite frankly any language or even all of them put together, could never capture our entire essence. We are not definable creatures.
Are all these definitions we have given ourselves even liberating us like we thought they would? Or are they restricting us into being one version of ourselves?
By over defining ourselves we are losing the serendipity of life. We settle in like a foundation of a house rather than plant roots that grow, expand, and lead to pollination.
The scary part is that, if we are willing to accept that we are not defined by our mistakes, we have to be willing to not define ourselves by our accomplishments. The exciting part is… we are so much more than that.
That is where my session title came in: I am… strong, hardworking, intelligent, caring undefined. I am undefined in hopes of becoming unconfined.
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Just Being
~Exhale~
What is next?
Great question. I don’t know, I am still in the messy, trying to rework my mindset and to truly believe this undefined and unconfined brand. But I think there is a lot of benefit in sharing our truth before we wrap it all up in a bow.
Being critical. Asking questions. What is serving me? Are these things something I actually want or is fear the driving motivation? What is my why? Why do I feel I have to do things? Are these my goals or someone else’s? Do these affirmations still resonate with me, or can I change them? Or do I even need them?
Gaining the freedom from letting go of statements like “that is not like me” or “that is so me.” -because what does that even mean anyway.
Releasing this pressure by changing my affirmations to “I can be strong…but I do not have to be” and knowing that affirmations from others do not come with an expectation to be my best all the time.
Granting permission to exist in my full humanity and everything that means.
“What could I do if I grew what I was feeling in the moment? What could I do if I just knew it didn’t have to be perfect? It just needed to be. And they’d just let me be?” -Isabela from Encanto
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It has been interesting to name this and trying to own this. But inviting my full humanity into the world has been hard and almost instantly gratifying- living more intuitively and without judgment. Admitting when I am excited or anxious about something and inviting others on that journey with me. All the way to wearing clothes with as many colors or neutrals as I want each day. I have been realizing how much choice I have in my life and how easy it was to get stuck in routines and roles that didn’t serve me. Following up every “I can’t” or “I have to” with why and seeing where that gets me. So far it has gotten me in front of y’all speaking (or writing) when I have said “I don’t public speak” for so long.
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Reflection
Looking back at the initial doodle of me being crouched down in a glass box on a podium. I am creating little cracks at a time in hopes of one day shattering it. Stepping down into the crowd with those that I love. Standing with them, eye to eye, for connection, community, and no confines for where I can go and what I can be. I can just be Mandy and what an exciting thing to be 🙂
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Granting Permission
What do you need permission for? If you close your eyes… (I understand it is hard to read with your eyes closed, but you get the point). Picture someone in your life telling you something releases that pressure…Maybe its “You don’t need to get an A in this class.” or “You don’t need to show up put together”. It could be “Your paper does not have to be the best.” Or other things like:
You can public speak
You can cry
You can wear that fun outfit you bought to any occasion
Envision yourself hearing those words you so desperately need from the exact person you need to hear them from.
I am going to tell you a secret now. The real person you need to hear give you that permission, is you. Permission to be, permission not to be, whatever it is. With your paper I want you to write out a permission slip for yourself.
This permission slip activity was an idea given to me by a mentor who opened up a meeting by allowing us to write permission slips to ourselves for how we presented ourselves in the meeting.
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Application
There are so many ways to wrap up this thought experiment. The goal in the presentation was really just to have people reflect, validate some experiences, and challenge them to be critical of their thinking. The overarching theme I would like to name is the idea that humans limit their perception of selves to what they are able to articulate. Once it is articulated (through affirmations, personal branding, single stories) it feels like an arrival, and we get attached. Our destination feels final- not to be re-opened. We become resistant to release old narratives or welcome new identities. But once we undefine, both in the sense of being unarticulated and the freedom from the lack of clear lines in our identities- we are able to place everything on the table for evaluation, to re-choose, or leave it open-ended. It gives credit to the journey that got us on the first-place podium, but releases the pressure that confines us, granting the permission to crack the glass walls. I am undefined, in hopes of becoming unconfined.
Whether this resonates with you, or you see value in sharing this with your students… I have a few reflection prompts that may get you started.
Self-Reflection
- After reading my journal entry, what emotions have come up for you? What resonates? What are some pieces of your story that went through your head?
- Do you have any double-edged affirmations? Walk yourself through my affirmation reflection and acknowledge the complexity of empowerment and restriction a single statement can have.
To the friend that told me I was caring… you made me love giving and making others feel loved.
I decided I was caring… and I have cared about every person, every game, every project, every exam, every outcome, every detail I have ever come across… and it’s so exhausting.
To the supervisor that told me I was intelligent… you made me realize that I don’t just work hard, but my brain can do incredible things all by itself.
I decided I was intelligent…and I am terrified one day my brain will just stop.
- Draw yourself. In a glass box on a first-place podium. What are things that are being said to you that keeps you here? What do you need to hear to shatter the glass? What does it look like for the pressure to be released?
- What do you need permission for? Write yourself a permission slip.
Student Development Reflection
There is no such thing as one way liberation. Once you see yourself as undefined, you will be able to see others that way, including your students. A lot of the pressure I was feeling came from being an involved student leader with aspirations of working in higher ed. I was constantly defining my strengths, gaining self-awareness of what I brought into a space, and understanding that I had to be “on” all of the time. This doesn’t necessarily sound like a negative. When I chose to be an authentic leader, something I still value to this day- my personhood and my leadership became one, but when you view your entire life as leadership, it’s draining, and the pressure doesn’t leave when you are back in your apartment with your roommates.
How do we strengthen the empowering side of this journey while limiting the restricting side of this journey? How are we perpetuating this? What about this is conducive to students’ development and what about this is restricting? How are we checking in with our student leaders? How are we providing spaces for them to release this pressure? What do they need to give themselves permission for? How can we guide them in that direction? Is this something we see as our role to be thinking about?
One thing I have done with students is asking them to introduce themselves without using their major, hometown, year, involvements… but rather who they are as a human. I have seen students get really stuck on this question, much like we all do, then come up with the most insightful answers. This is a small way to start helping students undefine themselves.
Bio
Mandy Vitale (she/her) is approaching her second year in Clemson’s Master’s of Student Affairs program. She serves as the graduate assistant for Leadership Education and Development with field experiences with Clemson’s Interpersonal Violence Prevention Education and Furman’s First-Generation Student Alliance. Before her time at Clemson, she graduated from James Madison University in Virginia in 2021 with a postgraduate Engagement Fellowship in Student Affairs through 2022.